Thursday, January 12, 2012

Perspective Changes, One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I was being wheeled in for my third surgery in 14 months. Bardolf was only 21 months old and at home with my mother in law. Muirne was at Preschool and Caspian was being ushered to the waiting room. One year ago today I was losing the part of me that only women are given. One year ago today, I lost the gift of being able to carry and bear children. One year ago today I had a complete hysterectomy.

I had fully accepted that we were done having children. Caspian had a vasectomy after Bardolf's birth, and we had two perfect beautiful children, a boy and a girl. We talked about how easy it was getting, now that Bardolf was starting to sleep better and Muirne was in school a few days a week. We were planning on getting a dog and buying a home in the near future. How Caspian could now fully focus on his career and I could start thinking about going back to school in a few years. Yes we were finished having children...but it didn't mean that I wanted to lose my ability to carry one.

Called "The Curse" or "Aunt Flo's visit" among many other nicknames mine was never pleasant. After the birth of Bardolf my cycles became nearly unbearable, lasting ten days and coming every two weeks. I finally made and appointment with my OBGYN, was scheduled for my exploratory surgery and with the results from that given the diagnosis of Pelvic Congestion. A disorder that is basically varicose veins of the pelvic region. The veins that were varicose in my case were those that lead to my uterus. My uterus, cervix and ovaries were perfect (with the exception of some fluid filled cysts) but because of the issues surrounding them, the only fix was a complete hysterectomy of my cervix and uterus.

I was devastated and relived all at once. Relieved that soon I would be free of my too frequent visits, relieved of the cramps and pain, relieved of the feminine products. However I was devastated to know that I would never again have the chance to feel those first flutters that lead to frequent kicks, never again would I bear a child and nourish it with my own body. This was completely final. Yes Caspian had a vasectomy, but he still had the ability to make children. I would be without the place to grow and protect a child in my body. Those days were gone forever. Forever lost to me at only 27.

The days that lead up to the surgery are a blur. I spent my time making trips to the grocery to stock the freezer with easy meals for my family and those taking care of them. I cut off all my hair and donated it, figuring that I wouldn't feel like fixing it for a while. I spent time with my babies...

I can't explain how I felt when I awoke after surgery. I stayed mostly in a drug induced fog for the first week, then deciding that I wanted to remember how I felt and wanting to function as not only a human being but a mother again I took myself off everything but Ibuprofen. I can understand how people become addicted to prescription pain killers. They don't just dull the physical pain, they dull all the pain. I told everyone I was doing fine, just in more pain then I expected. The pain of my flesh was not what was hurting, but the ache in my heart...

It's funny how you think you have a handle on your feelings, that you have completely gained perspective and closure, then you realize that not only are you not done with your issue, you really don't want to be. I thought I was fine. That I had overcome the anger, sadness and frustration. I was constantly being told by those around me that I should be happy, be free, that I was so lucky that I had already had my children and that not only did I have them, but a perfect little girl and boy! I was so lucky. Yes, I am so very fortunate and blessed. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Mostly, though being told these things taught me that it was not only okay for me to feel how I felt, but right for me. The only way for me to move past was to not only accept how I felt, but to own my feelings and to make a conscious effort to reach towards better feelings everyday.

My hysterectomy got me to a low point that I had never felt before. Once there I was hit with two realizations. The first was that I could continue to hurt, be angry, frustrated, unhappy with my life. The second was that I could acknowledge my hurt, feelings, frustration and let them go. I could change the direction of my life, that I had control of how I felt and that I have control of my life. Shortly after this epiphany I discovered my new path. I shared this with Caspian and we both saw our lives change. we strive to keep our hearts filled with joy and love. We do our best to think and speak well of others, and to focus on better things coming to us. I believe now that getting to the low point was what I needed to be able to see what my real potential is. It's funny how you go into something with preconceived notions, only to be completely blown away with a new perspective and direction.

One year ago today, I lost the ability to create life.

One year ago today I started on my journey to create the life I was meant to live.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Silencing My Night Terrors

Lately I have been dreaming quite vividly. The dreams at the time seem so real that upon awaking I find myself caught between the truth of my life and the story that seems to be live in my dreams. These are not any ordinary dreams either, but nightmares, that even though are exaggerated, are circumstances that in life could happen. I hate to be so vague on the actual story lines, but I believe what you say, think, write, type or focus any amount of time on can manifest itself in one way or another and though I can only truly bring on my own events, to play a part in the harm of those I love is not something I am willing to risk.

To say this is affecting my sleep in an understatement. The past two weeks have been fit full at best and it is starting to wear on me and my family. I have been trying different things to calm my mind and continue to write vigorously in my gratitude journal so that my final thoughts before hitting the pillow are of things that make my good life great. I have tries tea, wine, water, milk, even hot chocolate with marshmallows, anything that may trigger peaceful thoughts and a quiet mind. However this all seems in vain as the dreams continue night after night with increasing intensity.

Am I stressed? Sure who isn't a little. Things with Caspian's promotion are still up in the air, which is unsettling and frustrating. Other then the economic worries that everyone is sharing we are doing really well, have great friends and family and a loving atmosphere. There really is nothing that I can put my finger on that would trigger this onslaught of night terrors.

I have stopped telling Caspian about my dreams. After the first few I no longer wanted to remember them myself so passing on the burden was not an option. I am at the point of considering medicinal intervention, but the thought of taking something to sleep scares me a bit. I have never liked the feeling of being out of control. Even after all my surgeries I made the switch to over the counter pain management as soon as I could, because of the effects the narcotics had on my body and mind.

I am just feeling desperate to sleep whatever means necessary.

Then It Happens

Caspian got the call today. He has finally been promoted.

He left for his parents house at 5pm today. That will be his temporary home until we get settled in out new city.

It hasn't really sunk in yet. Yes, I am excited. Yes, this will be an easy move as it is only a few hours north and close to my in-laws. Yes, finally the wait is over. It still hasn't really sunk in.

Instead my mind races as I look for places to live. Figure out the best schools. Try and accustom myself with neighborhoods.

I know once it hits I will feel taken by my emotions. Until then I am preoccupied with being overwhelmed.

This is it. It Happened.

Congratulations my love. You deserve it more then anyone I know. I love you.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Then the dryer buzzes reminding you that you suck

Do you ever sit and watch those TV design shows while you fold laundry and think Wow that is so awesome, I could totally do that? Or That looks like they only spent $2 on it and that homeowner is totally lying that they like it? Or you see them make the ultimate bathroom suite with $50 and a glue gun and you are all Amateurs I could do that in my sleep, because I totally made a slipcover for my aunt once and I have a 30 year old PFAFF and a serger?

Then you remember that time that you made the fugliest toy box ottoman footstool box with a padded lid that weighed five thousand pounds that now lives out on the deck because you don't want to pay to take it to the dump and think better of it, all the while composing a list of projects that you are going to do when you move next time. You also remember that the pain in the ass fabric demon simple slipcover for your aunt took you all afternoon and you had to take out the side seams three times once to redo the corners, then you accidentally got the Velcro stuck on the batting and swore that you would never craft again.

All the while you are folding laundry thinking about the roman shades they made and how much you hate your mini blinds and how SIMPLE it would be to make some to replace the mini blinds, which reminds you of the time that you made the curtains and duvet for Muirne your child which somehow ended up crooked even though you only had to sew straight seams so you had to re-do them and by the time you were finished it would have cost less to just buy a set.

Of course none of this matters as you fantasize about walking your friends around your perfectly decorated house quoting every material and dollar amount each project took while gloating that Martha Stewart called you for show ideas and asked if you would be a guest. Which of course you had to turn down because your new NW Design Diva magazine was coming out and you would be busy with a publicity tour. Of course you told her that she could call your agent to make a time for you to stop by, all the while sipping your perfectly named Martini that has become a signature recipe from your magazine.

Suddenly Bardolf your cranky two year old wakes up from nap demanding to watch the most annoying child on the planet Calliou and you are snapped back to reality which in your world means two more loads of laundry and a puddle of pee from Lizzard your dog because while daydreaming your majestic life concentrating on your homemaking duties she needed to be let out and you missed it.

Do you do that? Yeah, me neither.

Monday, January 9, 2012

"As You Wish" The GAME!!!!

Comcast is now my new lover (well, until I I get my bill)!! There is a free trial of "The Princess Bride" online video game (Click the picture and it will take you to the game trial download):

We all know how much I love Wesley. Here is a picture to remind you in case you forgot:

Now I can get my fix not only watching the movie and rehearsing every line, but a VIDEO GAME!! My life is complete.

My brain is frozen so you get this

I am currently trying to finish up Christmas gifts, track down moving supplies, find a place to live and hoping to thaw from the blizzard that is encompassing the NW. Hopefully after the holidays and we get all settled I will be able to post something more of substance, but until then, you may be seeing blog posts like this one. At least it's pretty and you can laugh at Lizzard.

Much love to you all!