Thursday, January 12, 2012

Perspective Changes, One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, I was being wheeled in for my third surgery in 14 months. Bardolf was only 21 months old and at home with my mother in law. Muirne was at Preschool and Caspian was being ushered to the waiting room. One year ago today I was losing the part of me that only women are given. One year ago today, I lost the gift of being able to carry and bear children. One year ago today I had a complete hysterectomy.

I had fully accepted that we were done having children. Caspian had a vasectomy after Bardolf's birth, and we had two perfect beautiful children, a boy and a girl. We talked about how easy it was getting, now that Bardolf was starting to sleep better and Muirne was in school a few days a week. We were planning on getting a dog and buying a home in the near future. How Caspian could now fully focus on his career and I could start thinking about going back to school in a few years. Yes we were finished having children...but it didn't mean that I wanted to lose my ability to carry one.

Called "The Curse" or "Aunt Flo's visit" among many other nicknames mine was never pleasant. After the birth of Bardolf my cycles became nearly unbearable, lasting ten days and coming every two weeks. I finally made and appointment with my OBGYN, was scheduled for my exploratory surgery and with the results from that given the diagnosis of Pelvic Congestion. A disorder that is basically varicose veins of the pelvic region. The veins that were varicose in my case were those that lead to my uterus. My uterus, cervix and ovaries were perfect (with the exception of some fluid filled cysts) but because of the issues surrounding them, the only fix was a complete hysterectomy of my cervix and uterus.

I was devastated and relived all at once. Relieved that soon I would be free of my too frequent visits, relieved of the cramps and pain, relieved of the feminine products. However I was devastated to know that I would never again have the chance to feel those first flutters that lead to frequent kicks, never again would I bear a child and nourish it with my own body. This was completely final. Yes Caspian had a vasectomy, but he still had the ability to make children. I would be without the place to grow and protect a child in my body. Those days were gone forever. Forever lost to me at only 27.

The days that lead up to the surgery are a blur. I spent my time making trips to the grocery to stock the freezer with easy meals for my family and those taking care of them. I cut off all my hair and donated it, figuring that I wouldn't feel like fixing it for a while. I spent time with my babies...

I can't explain how I felt when I awoke after surgery. I stayed mostly in a drug induced fog for the first week, then deciding that I wanted to remember how I felt and wanting to function as not only a human being but a mother again I took myself off everything but Ibuprofen. I can understand how people become addicted to prescription pain killers. They don't just dull the physical pain, they dull all the pain. I told everyone I was doing fine, just in more pain then I expected. The pain of my flesh was not what was hurting, but the ache in my heart...

It's funny how you think you have a handle on your feelings, that you have completely gained perspective and closure, then you realize that not only are you not done with your issue, you really don't want to be. I thought I was fine. That I had overcome the anger, sadness and frustration. I was constantly being told by those around me that I should be happy, be free, that I was so lucky that I had already had my children and that not only did I have them, but a perfect little girl and boy! I was so lucky. Yes, I am so very fortunate and blessed. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Mostly, though being told these things taught me that it was not only okay for me to feel how I felt, but right for me. The only way for me to move past was to not only accept how I felt, but to own my feelings and to make a conscious effort to reach towards better feelings everyday.

My hysterectomy got me to a low point that I had never felt before. Once there I was hit with two realizations. The first was that I could continue to hurt, be angry, frustrated, unhappy with my life. The second was that I could acknowledge my hurt, feelings, frustration and let them go. I could change the direction of my life, that I had control of how I felt and that I have control of my life. Shortly after this epiphany I discovered my new path. I shared this with Caspian and we both saw our lives change. we strive to keep our hearts filled with joy and love. We do our best to think and speak well of others, and to focus on better things coming to us. I believe now that getting to the low point was what I needed to be able to see what my real potential is. It's funny how you go into something with preconceived notions, only to be completely blown away with a new perspective and direction.

One year ago today, I lost the ability to create life.

One year ago today I started on my journey to create the life I was meant to live.

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