Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Silencing My Night Terrors

Lately I have been dreaming quite vividly. The dreams at the time seem so real that upon awaking I find myself caught between the truth of my life and the story that seems to be live in my dreams. These are not any ordinary dreams either, but nightmares, that even though are exaggerated, are circumstances that in life could happen. I hate to be so vague on the actual story lines, but I believe what you say, think, write, type or focus any amount of time on can manifest itself in one way or another and though I can only truly bring on my own events, to play a part in the harm of those I love is not something I am willing to risk.

To say this is affecting my sleep in an understatement. The past two weeks have been fit full at best and it is starting to wear on me and my family. I have been trying different things to calm my mind and continue to write vigorously in my gratitude journal so that my final thoughts before hitting the pillow are of things that make my good life great. I have tries tea, wine, water, milk, even hot chocolate with marshmallows, anything that may trigger peaceful thoughts and a quiet mind. However this all seems in vain as the dreams continue night after night with increasing intensity.

Am I stressed? Sure who isn't a little. Things with Caspian's promotion are still up in the air, which is unsettling and frustrating. Other then the economic worries that everyone is sharing we are doing really well, have great friends and family and a loving atmosphere. There really is nothing that I can put my finger on that would trigger this onslaught of night terrors.

I have stopped telling Caspian about my dreams. After the first few I no longer wanted to remember them myself so passing on the burden was not an option. I am at the point of considering medicinal intervention, but the thought of taking something to sleep scares me a bit. I have never liked the feeling of being out of control. Even after all my surgeries I made the switch to over the counter pain management as soon as I could, because of the effects the narcotics had on my body and mind.

I am just feeling desperate to sleep whatever means necessary.

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