Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Then the dryer buzzes reminding you that you suck

Do you ever sit and watch those TV design shows while you fold laundry and think Wow that is so awesome, I could totally do that? Or That looks like they only spent $2 on it and that homeowner is totally lying that they like it? Or you see them make the ultimate bathroom suite with $50 and a glue gun and you are all Amateurs I could do that in my sleep, because I totally made a slipcover for my aunt once and I have a 30 year old PFAFF and a serger?

Then you remember that time that you made the fugliest toy box ottoman footstool box with a padded lid that weighed five thousand pounds that now lives out on the deck because you don't want to pay to take it to the dump and think better of it, all the while composing a list of projects that you are going to do when you move next time. You also remember that the pain in the ass fabric demon simple slipcover for your aunt took you all afternoon and you had to take out the side seams three times once to redo the corners, then you accidentally got the Velcro stuck on the batting and swore that you would never craft again.

All the while you are folding laundry thinking about the roman shades they made and how much you hate your mini blinds and how SIMPLE it would be to make some to replace the mini blinds, which reminds you of the time that you made the curtains and duvet for Muirne your child which somehow ended up crooked even though you only had to sew straight seams so you had to re-do them and by the time you were finished it would have cost less to just buy a set.

Of course none of this matters as you fantasize about walking your friends around your perfectly decorated house quoting every material and dollar amount each project took while gloating that Martha Stewart called you for show ideas and asked if you would be a guest. Which of course you had to turn down because your new NW Design Diva magazine was coming out and you would be busy with a publicity tour. Of course you told her that she could call your agent to make a time for you to stop by, all the while sipping your perfectly named Martini that has become a signature recipe from your magazine.

Suddenly Bardolf your cranky two year old wakes up from nap demanding to watch the most annoying child on the planet Calliou and you are snapped back to reality which in your world means two more loads of laundry and a puddle of pee from Lizzard your dog because while daydreaming your majestic life concentrating on your homemaking duties she needed to be let out and you missed it.

Do you do that? Yeah, me neither.

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