Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Breastmilk Sniper: the Next Phase in Stealth Weaponry

My cousin and his wife are coming into town for Thanksgiving. They come every other year for a week to spend time with the family, and this year is their year to visit, I am really excited. I lovingly call them "Ken and Barbie", because they are that beautiful. They have two preteen boys and live in a million dollar home outside of the Bay Area in California. He is an electrician and she is a housewife and bookkeeper for his business. They definitely fit the mold for the perfect example of Californian suburban family. This in exchange makes them more fun then you can stand.

Last time my cousin came in town, was last year for my dad's wedding. His wife, "Barbie" had to stay behind to play soccer/football mom for the boys. To make a long story short, my cousin "Ken" charmed a group of ladies in the bar as well as a group of gruff looking guys and the bartender, which in turn meant free drinks for us. I felt like total shit the next day for my dad's wedding, but the good time was worth it.

The trip two years ago, included both Ken, Barbie and the boys. We decided to have a cousin's night out Thanksgiving Eve. This group consisted of Ken and Barbie, Caspian and I, and my Brother "Juppie". On Juppie's suggestion we headed to a nice bar downtown that had a great atmosphere, good food and fantastic cocktails. I was still breastfeeding Bardolf at the time, but had pumped enough ahead of time that if needed, I could pump and dump the alcohol out.

We got to the bar and luckily it was not too busy yet. Juppie claimed a pool table while Caspian and Ken went to the bar. The pool table next to us was occupied by some attractive and curious bachelors. Of course they instantly headed in Barbie's direction, seemingly unaware that she was Ken's wife. She flirted while Ken stood by and laughed. This was a common theme for them I figured--and once again free drinks flowed.

After a few hours and too many drinks we headed out to a dance club. Caspian was driving (at the time we had a crew cab GMC) and therefore the only sober one in the bunch. Juppie was riding shotgun, I was in the driver side rear seat, Barbie in the rear center, and Ken in the passenger side rear seat. I complained that my boobs hurt because I hadn't nursed in a while, and I could probably shoot something with the milk, which sparked Ken to say:

"I'll give you $100 if you can hit someone walking down the sidewalk."

I started laughing, then I realized he was serious.

"Really? You'll give me a Benjamin?" I asked.

"Totally, but you have to be stealth and we have to see it," he said.

"I'm in," I said as I started to roll down the window.

Caspian figuring out what I was doing, started rolling up the window and hit the window lock on his door panel.

"NO!! I can totally do it! Unlock the window!!" I yelled as I took aim and then fired.

"Oh my GOD!!" Barbie screamed, laughing.

Then we all saw it, the big streak of milk across the window. Caspian had thwarted my attempt and wouldn't roll the window back down. The entire group erupted in laughter and Ken took a picture of the streak with his camera phone. I put the weapons away and mumbled that I totally could have pulled it off.

The next day was Thanksgiving and we went to dinner at my Aunt's house (Ken's Mom). When we got there they yelled for us to come around to the back slider instead of using the front door. When we got to the door there was a sign posted:

"Got Milk?"

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