I have lived in the same place my whole life. At least in the same metro area, moving no more then 10 miles in any direction. It seems I am constantly running into people I know, or a friend of a friend every time I am out. Everything is familiar and though I have no sense of direction, I no longer get lost. I am Home.
Though my utter being is filled with hope, joy and pride as Caspian faces this step in his career, I find myself torn. I am scared to leave all that I have ever known. Afraid that I may not meet new friends. Terrified to learn a new place and surroundings. Uncertain of the unknown experiences and situations.
Over the last few months I find that I have pulled away from everyone but my family. Included in that family are my two best friends. Those I know will never desert me and will always find a way to be with me. Everyone else I have my doubts and instead of letting the distance separate us I have chosen to let life do it. Is this crazy? Sabotaging my own relationships? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Of course. Am I going to change it? No. I haven't been cruel, unkind, or purposely hurtful, so now that the ties have begun to sever, I am letting them. Protecting myself for the future.
My mom has already cried. She and I truly are the best of friends. We visit several times a week and talk at least once a day. Leaving her will be the worst...
Caspian assures me that we will love a change. We either go to snowy winters, or warm. There are so many things to do in these different places, he tells me. We can have company as much as I like....but it's not the same.
I have always known this was a possibility. In fact not just a possibility, but really a given. I had just retained the hope that we could find a way to stay here, but now that hope is lost. I know that this brings a better life for us, and that Caspian deserves what he has been working nearly half his life for.
There is just no place like home.